Rib ticklers

Discussion in 'Jokes & Humor' started by Maurice, Apr 15, 2011.

  1. Maurice

    Maurice Bloody good bloke VIP Member

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2009
    Messages:
    352
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    London England
    OK, let's get this section kicked off....

    IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in an 8’X10’ cell.
    AT WORK: You spend most of your day in a 6’X8’ office.

    IN PRISON: You get three meals a day.
    AT WORK: You only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

    IN PRISON: You get time off for good behaviour.
    AT WORK: You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

    IN PRISON: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
    AT WORK: You must carry around a security card and open all the doors yourself.

    IN PRISON: You can watch tv and play games.
    AT WORK: You get fired for watching tv and playing games.

    IN PRISON: They allow your friends and family to visit you.
    AT WORK: You cannot even speak to your family or friends.

    IN PRISON: You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
    IN WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

    IN PRISON: There are wardens who are often sadistic.
    AT WORK: They are called Managers

    --------------------------
    Babies
    One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"

    The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."

    Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    .................................................. that's where jewelery comes from."
    ----------------------
    Doctor?

    A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a 20p piece. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.

    A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

    At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.

    After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 20p piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

    Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

    "No," the woman replies. "I work for the Inland Revenue Service."
     
    Maurice, Apr 15, 2011
    #1
    1. Advertisements

  2. Maurice

    Zeus Moderator

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2005
    Messages:
    2,006
    Likes Received:
    33
    Location:
    Virginia
    While doing laundry a young man noticed an ad for the following car.

    1968 Shelby Cobra, $100
    Ph. # 555-3858

    he called and went to see the car. It was gorgeous, fully restored, and showroom clean. He quickly handed the woman the money, then asked "are you sure".
    "Yes" she replied. My husband went to Europe with his secretary. He told me he wanted a divorce. To liquidate assets, and send him the money"
    "sign this receipt please"

    "By the way" she added, "do you collect coins?"

    ------------------------------------------


    Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?
    A. Only two. The rest are all true stories.

    Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
    A. The hooker will quit screwing you when you die.

    Q. What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
    A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

    Q. Why didn't the shark take a bite out of the swimming lawyer?
    A. Professional courtesy.

    These jokes are a bit unfair to lawyers because 99% of the lawyers give the rest a bad name.
     
    Zeus, Apr 15, 2011
    #2
    1. Advertisements

  3. Maurice

    Nickweb Resident Filmaker Moderator

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2003
    Messages:
    2,532
    Likes Received:
    27
    Location:
    North Wales, Britain
    When it comes to maths, me and Pythagoras are like...Equal....ateral!!!!
     
    Nickweb, Apr 16, 2011
    #3
  4. Maurice

    Maurice Bloody good bloke VIP Member

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2009
    Messages:
    352
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    London England
    Genie

    A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to thecourse.

    The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

    So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

    A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

    "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

    "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

    "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

    "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

    "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

    The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

    She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

    You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

    So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked,

    How old are you and your husband?"

    "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

    "No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?
    ------------------------------
    What beats a princess??
    A British Airways passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

    As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers. "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."

    On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

    She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

    To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen,so I outrank you."

    "Tray-up, ******!!!!"
    ---------------------
    Parrot
    Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

    "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

    When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

    The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

    "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
     
    Maurice, Apr 18, 2011
    #4
  5. Maurice

    Zeus Moderator

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2005
    Messages:
    2,006
    Likes Received:
    33
    Location:
    Virginia
    A guy wearing an expensive three piece suit is approached by an armed thug as he walks down a street in Washington D.C.
    The thug puts his gun in the mans's ribs and states "Give me your money."
    The well dressed man replies "Don't you know who I am? I'm a US congressman."
    At that point the thug replies "In that case, give me my money!"
     
    Zeus, Apr 18, 2011
    #5
  6. Maurice

    Arandora

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2005
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    The Attorney

    A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

    Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

    After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

    "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

    The cop replied, "Don't you even realise that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

    "OH, MY GOD," screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!" :rofl2:
     
    Arandora, Jul 12, 2011
    #6
  7. Maurice

    Zeus Moderator

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2005
    Messages:
    2,006
    Likes Received:
    33
    Location:
    Virginia
    The Nun in Hooters

    A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

    The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

    However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

    The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

    "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
    So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
    After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

    She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

    "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender,"Would you like a drink?"

    "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

    "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
     
    Zeus, Jul 12, 2011
    #7
  8. Maurice

    Zeus Moderator

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2005
    Messages:
    2,006
    Likes Received:
    33
    Location:
    Virginia
    A duck walks into a feed store and asks, ''Got any duck feed?''

    The clerk tells him, ''No, we don't have a market for it it so we don't carry it.''

    The duck says, ''Okay'' and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, ''Got any duck feed?''

    Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

    Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, ''Got any duck feed?''

    The clerk says, ''I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor.''

    The duck leaves.

    The next day, the duck walks in and asks, ''Got any nails?''

    ''No,'' comes the reply.

    ''Got any duck feed?
     
    Zeus, Jul 13, 2011
    #8
    1. Advertisements

Ask a Question

Want to reply to this thread or ask your own question?

You'll need to choose a username for the site, which only take a couple of moments (here). After that, you can post your question and our members will help you out.
Similar Threads
Loading...